"...Heath Ledger...found dead in his apartment..."
I roll the thought around like an unknown flavor. I've never even met the man, and all I can think of circles around denial and disbelief, as I walk to the living room where the rest of my house mates are assembled. Everyone is standing in front of the television with high-rise eye brows paralyzed in shock. United by the news of a death broadcasted by a television that until yesterday didn't have regular cable, yet is now bringing unsolicited information into the ether that leaves us wondering, what's so great about owning a machine that can make the room seem colder and life more unforgiving any way...Living without constant television has left me feeling like no news is good news, especially coming from the puppet media--always manipulating and manifesting a needless sense of dread and panic in the general public.
So someone changes the channel and we begin moving about, uttering any sound that might help to fill the emptiness quickly entering the room,
S: "Oh my god..."
Me: "He was so young..."
S: "Yeah...wasn't he married with kids too?"
Me: "I think he just went through a divorce."
A: "The apartment use to be Mary Kate Olson's..."
T: "Geesus christ."
I am so strangely yet undeniably affected by this news and look it up on BBC (as a confirmation of the body), staring at Heath's picture for a few minutes thinking of this perfect stranger, young and talented, who may or may not have just committed suicide by overdosing on pills. Meanwhile I keep thinking the same things over again, (But he was so young! He had so much going for him! He had a two-year old daughter, was it an accident? It makes absolutely no sense!)
I look at this digital photograph of a young man smiling and think of the article I read about him only a few months ago. It was about his role in "I'm not there" as one of the Bob Dylans, touching upon various personal aspects of his life, but mostly an elegantly understated homage to his on-screen talent and infamous off-screen preparation for such diverse and often difficult roles. Death inspires such strange feelings: jarring and unfamiliar, as if you suddenly felt someone's hands grab and shake vigorously from behind.
I can't imagine what watching I'm not there or The Dark Knight is going to be like for me and others who liked him. I felt the same way when Aaliyah died. She was truly a childhood favorite of mine and her death was such a powerful event, one of the first moments in which I remember feeling utterly vulnerable to a helplessness mediated by chance and circumstance. It's like every time I listen to Elliott Smith now after finding out he just decided one day to stick a butcher knife into his chest: I can't resist somehow feeling haunted and saddened by his voice crooning in the air and filling it with melancholic, macabre feelings; versus before I knew about his death and his music was just pleasantly sad.
Suicide particularly leaves one feeling at odds with reality, as if the mystery of death and the prospect of no return isn't alienating enough, to chose it over life is a deeply disturbing thought. This reminds me of Etgar Keret's "Pizzeria Kamikaze" and how it makes light of death by presenting an afterlife in which one's essential existence continues--seemingly as mundane as the last--waiting around for the rest of the world to cross over.
Yet, in a time when the security of a belief in heaven or hell is slowly beginning to fade from popular belief, the uncertainty of death and the fear of dying too soon scares the shit out of me, and however comforting the thought of an "underworld" may seem: I wouldn't bet my life that it existed. It's bad enough I run the risk of dying by simply flying back forth on airplanes, I can't imagine the stress of living in a place amid daily suicide bombings, shootings, or environmental disasters, etc.
I totally respect anyone's decision to do what they please with their life so long as it is not directly harmful to others, but it is truly unfortunate when one has reached a point where they feel the alternative to doing anything & everything possible to improve their situation with even a small possibility of success and happiness, is somehow trumped by the cruel certainty of complete and utter obliteration. What poor soul is so mired and tormented by their own misery and despair as to ever forget the warmth of a smile or the capacity for life to parallel those very same wretched and heart-wrenching moments with as many or more joys and peaceful memories that make living so worth the trouble?
Perhaps saying every problem has a solution is as naive as believing good behavior in this life will secure you a spot in heaven, but while the latter depends upon blind faith, I consider the former a brand of mathematical optimism. I've been ruminating on the nature of my reaction to Heath's death for a few hours now, partly because it helps to get these thoughts and feelings out, and also because it's fascinating to try to analyze and work out the origins, meanings, and influences of all the things such things can inspire within one.
After we dispersed from the living room, I went and washed some dirty dishes. Slowly, almost carefully, I lathered each greasy pot and plate with hot foam as I went over in my mind how strange it is to feel such a sad sense of loss for someone I know so little about, not only because any death is tragic and unfortunate, but knowing that a great deal of my sorrow emanates from having enjoyed his work in cinema for so many years and experiencing the loss of another young, talented person in this world.This thought is immediately followed by a morass of guilt in knowing that thousands of innocent women, children and men die each day from a myriad of causes far more sinister and unsolicited than this particular situation (not that any death should be better or worse than another). Though less publicized and shamefully, less impacting, countless innocent people are brutally murdered, poisoned, mutilated, gang banged, etc. in numerous and distinct parts of the world, yet we've become so desensitized as to lump those deaths as unfortunate, tragic events in a category of "shit that doesn't happen to me or affect me" that sits in our minds only briefly if not occasionally when we're reminded or learn of another one. But the point is not to prioritize human lives, only realize that each one should carry equal weight and hold with the public. The fear of utter desensitization still dawns on a millennium increasingly technologically integrated.
This leads me to one of many social ills concerning class, status, and wealth that spills over ever so subversively into our conditioned minds and evokes such dichotomous sentiments in similar events. I wonder at how we managed to rid ourselves of monarchies and greek gods if only to erect monoliths of movie stars and other celebrities in their place? It is rare even for public figures such as politicians to receive such heartfelt sympathy.
Only a few weeks ago, the inauspicious murder of Benazir Bhutto marked the loss of such a tremendously influential, intelligent, and powerful female diplomat. Though deeply unsettling, disappointing and somewhat frustrating, I felt oddly distant and impersonal when faced with the news of her death. Admittedly, though I know very little about this woman, I admired the tenacity and strength with which she held her convictions. A voice of reason among much corrupt puppet politics, because if anyone could have launched Pakistan into peace and progress, Bhutto was the most exceptional candidate, especially in such a male-dominated society.
I'm not sure that any of this is terribly important or coherent, but it all seems interrelated and glaringly indicative of trend shifts in the history of human society. I would say that across the span of humanity, every culture, society, tribe and people seem to rely upon their socially constructed worlds in order to interact and amuse themselves. Whether it is in the form of religion, government, or entertainment, all cultures seem to form echelons of reality that further and perhaps redundantly separate, classify, and marginalize groups of people from others.
It seems this rant will get the best of me...
In the case of entertainment, in this country like in many others, it forms an essential part of culture and permeates our daily routine in some way. More so in the U.S., entertainment has become the new form of pantheistic worship. Television and cinema offer distractions and alternate realities from which to escape the general monotony, especially in the case of mass produced block busters with no artistic or intellectual qualities, pedaled to the working class citizen and impressionable youths. We've come to revere actors, musicians, and athletes in so much as we are intimately acquainted (or want to be) with each and every detail of their lives. Some become role models or vehicles of influence for the development of our personal tastes and opinions, to which we aspire to emulate in some way, while others are objects of criticism and ridicule constantly under public scrutiny. These people even set the standards to which most people judge and hate themselves, because if they're famous they must be extra special, so you should do everything you can to be just like that, because maybe people will like you more.
Take the example of Brittany Spears when she first came out into the music industry and became every little girl's dream Barbie/hero, everyone copied her style, hair, sang her songs, wanted to have a body like hers, etc. Children especially need something to look up to or admire, and it's hard to deny the Spice Girls, and Hanna Montana wannabes because it's happened in every generation since the industrial revolution (and beyond, but more with other kinds of celebrities) and is somehow essential for girls and boys to have that kind of influence or fond memories of the things they loved about their childhoods. Yet, with all the shit going on with Brittany these days, everyone is shocked, angry, disappointed, and shit-talking most of all. I always find myself asking, "who the fuck cares?"
Firstly, because everyone has problems or issues and it's such hypocritical and superficial behavior to walk around judging and criticizing someone's actions like a self-righteous jury, as if our opinion matters or will change anything, as if its anyone's business, and as if we act or think any better. Second, how inconsiderate is it to publicize every action and mistake a person makes for the whole world to see when it has nothing to do with your or your life, except that you're wasting your time, money and energy on it? I think athletes, musicians, actors, businessmen and politicians make too much money as it is and if we leveled the playing field to something more appropriate for their actual skills, there wouldn't be such a disparity and ridiculous obsession with who took a shit were. It makes more sense that public scrutiny of someone's actions and behaviors should be focused on politicians, government employees and officials, big corporations, the FBI, CIA, NSA and all that bullshit, because it seems like we have our priorities mixed up.
If we spent more time paying attention to the way this country was run we wouldn't have had Bush, 9/11, Iraq, Vietnam, Bay of Pigs and other countless bullshit indicative that we DON'T have a democracy, this is a fucking REPUBLIC, with a side of corruption and extra obfuscation of information that the people don't have access to until decades after the shit went down and everyone involved is either dead, retired, or saved by all the destroyed information...wake the fuck up. It doesn't help that the world hasn't realized there's only one race, human, and united in an effort to advance humankind as a whole because everyone is too busy being proud of their culture, which is all fine and dandy, except some cultures are more exclusive than others and tend to fuck it up for everyone else. And when we're not caught up in culture, skin color, or gender all the greedy fuck heads keep up the status quo so that the richer get richer and the poorer stay poor. Then it's the environment or the endangered animals, or the children starving in wherever and the drought, famine, genocide, apartheid, dictators, communism, aids, cancer, obesity, ignorance. With so many things to fix in the world today, you think people would find a more productive way to spend their time and money. Does talent mandate a pedestal? Worship?
It seems like we've shifted from notions of deities, and royalty to heart throbs and super models.
It's sad watching my 15 yr. old cousin sing and dance to a song describing how to "superman a ho" by "cuming" on her back and sticking the sheets to it, in order to humiliate I suppose, but I'd be hard pressed to find among her or her peers any recognition of how photosynthesis works in the plants that give us oxygen to breath, feed us and the animals we eat, as well as clothe us or who won the Nobel Prize this year, etc. I feel like these issues will eventually culminate and overflow because people seem like they're beginning to see the light, and a larger population of younger, liberal, intelligent and reasonable people are coming to age and to positions of power.
I feel like everyone I talk to recognizes theses ills and there is a general sense of discomfort, anger, and frustration with the way the world, and our country especially is handling things. We need a revolution. We need unity. In a world alienated by technology it's difficult and ineffectual to rally and protest like the counterculture of the 60's, which thrived and relied on interpersonal relations and communication. How do we mobilize under this common realization that many things are wrong, and our governmental system is inefficient, outdated, and allows for too much corruption and financial influence? This is so reminiscent of the Cuban Revolution, which is entirely a whole other world of pain and disappointment, maybe next time kids.
Whew.
